recently, on friday night, me and my brother
couldnt take it any longer.

everyweek end we were living a lie,

a lie & a life we couldnt take anylonger.

Hiding under our mask everyweek end

just so to make our dad happy.

but we couldnt take it so we had to

tell the truth. The truth, we told our dad that

we are not muslims and my dad hang up.

We knew we it hurt him so much but honstly,

It will be worse if we were to tell him later.

& so much better, in the past.

All these years, ever since my mum gave birth

to us, we were living in fear.

I have always been a Catholic, it's just that my

dad doesnt want to belive it when my mum already

told him we're baptised catholics.

it was so difficult to go for sunday masses.

so difficult to go for cat class on weekends.

so difficult to make the sign of the cross.

everything was so dense. so dreadful.

i never had a wonderful childhood.

since young, i would have to live in

two houses, weekdays with mum and

weekends with dad.

since young, i had a stepmother.

since young, i had to accept the fact that

my life was screwed up because that my

parents were the one who had to 'make' me.

since young, i never have anyone to turn to.

since young, i was cloest to my brother.

since young, my grandmother took care of me.

since young, i always dreamt that maybe one

day, all these are a dream and i could wake

up to a perfect family that is not broken and

mish-mashed.

since young, i never dared to go out alone.

since young, i got molested once.

since young, i almost got raped, once.

since young, i've always screw up.

since young, i waited for the day that i'll meet God

and ask him why he had to put me in this

crap, maybe he just testing me.

maybe i'm going mad, yes i'm going mad.

Now, i must get distracted, if not i'll think stuff.

bittersweet stuff that turns me mad than i'll

probably start to get suicidal and cut my self

until i bleed and if i dont die than i might

find other ways to kill myself while i can.

i really love life but i also hate it,

i'm so scared that i dont show it.